30 Things Marriage Has Taught Me (So Far)
I thought marriage would be easy...
and it is, if you make it. After being married for just six months (I posted the first 20 things on my Tumblr in 2014) I quickly realized that there is no blueprint for marriage, meaning, no two look the same. So while I've learned a lot from my own marriage within the past 3 years, it's not to say that this is exactly what everyone learns, and even if they do, it's not at the same pace. You set the pace for your own marriage. Nonetheless, I've learned how to make my marriage go so much smoother, and when you approach it with understanding and rational thinking, it's definitely not as hard as it seems!
With that being said, here's 30 things I have learned so far in my three years of marriage.
Marriage will not “fix” you. If you go into a marriage broken, he/she cannot put you back together. No one can do that but yourself.
Do not bring the hurt from past relationships into this relationship and RUIN it by taking it out on your spouse. They didnt do that to you. Dont make them pay for it.
Be 1000% open and honest with them. They need to know about all the people you fooled around with, the nightmares you had as a kid that still haunt you, the fear of whatever it is that you fear and why you fear it, why you were bullied in school, all of those things are important. Actually, they should’ve known those things before you got married. But if they dont, they need to know now. It’ll help them understand you.
Your husband/wife cannot read your mind. No matter how smart they are or how much they love you or how many times you tell them how you feel or how many years you have known this person, they cannot read your mind. They will not do everything you want. Do not pressure them to do everything right, and do not expect them to know your ever thought, feeling or desire. You have to tell them those things.
You have to really know yourself before you try to understand someone else. Even though marriage is the ultimate form of compromise and vulnerability, do not let that person totally define you, and vice versa. Your opinions matter, your feelings matter, you still matter, but they matter too. Make time for yourself every now and then and remember who you are, it’s those beautiful things that made that person fall in love with you, so stay true to that. Dont walk behind them, or in front of them, walk with them.
Give more than you receive. Marriage isnt about the YOU. It’s about the US. Always hold up your end of the bargain, so even if they dont, you have nothing to feel bad about. Dont rub it in their face, just do what you’re supposed to and you can never say you didnt try.
Never go to bed angry. SERIOUSLY. If you have to stay up and talk all night about it, do that, but dont let the night fall on your anger. It will only get worse. The last thing you want to do is let things build up and 10 years later you get divorced because he didnt pass you the salt.
Your opinion is always valid. Even if it’s wrong, it’s still valid.
Marriage isnt fun all the time. It’s work, it’s business. It includes those boring nights when you dont have money to go out, the times where one of you has to work late and you have to eat dinner by yourself. You dont get flowers everyday, men don't really like to plan date nights, women dont always feel like cooking, but hey, you still love each other. That’s all that matters.
Please be okay with the fact that this person is not you and sees the world totally different. Learn how they love and let them know how you love so you can please each other. They WILL do SOMETHING that drives you crazy, and they will probably do it often. You have been warned.
It’s better to say whats on your mind than to never say anything at all. Make sure you’re calm, and just talk. Its simpler than you think.
Marriage is more than sex. WAY MORE. Sex is important, but there are lots of other things that have to happen for you both to be happy, too.
Laugh. A lot.
Choose a day out of the week that you require each other to spend time together. Just the two of you. Make time for them.
When you marry him/her, you’re marrying his/her family too. Just accept it.
Keep your business to YOURSELVES. Dont complain about each other to other people. Dont tell people about your fights or arguments. Dont take pictures of each other with no clothes on and post them on Facebook. Dont put a sex tape in the Cloud. What happens in your home stays in your home.
Dont pressure your spouse to be like anyone else and do not envy what other people have. Your contentment should be in your home and your home only.
Pray. Better yet, pray together.
Dont let this opportunity to grow and change into a better person go to waste because you dont believe in changing for someone. It’s not about being who someone wants you to be, its about being who you both should be TOGETHER, at your best, in your fullest you potential, because you are their world and they are yours, why not make your world the best?
Marriage is a constant learning experience. Never stop learning.
Not everything will go as planned, and that’s okay.
You do what works for you. The roles in your home are defined by those who live in it and those who pay for it. Don't let anyone tell you how to run your house.
Sex is only as good as your communication skills.
Never bring home anyone else’s issues. If you know someone going through something, dont carry that energy home with you. Leave it at the door. Your home is for you and your spouse, not everyone else.
Are you still communicating? Keep doing that.
Women’s bodies are 10 times more complex than men’s. They continue to change and over time will make you more emotional and sensitive and stuff… make sure he understands that’s why you were upset on thursday and then really happy on friday… otherwise he’ll think you’re insane.
Never NEVER compare your marriage to anyone else’s. You NEVER KNOW what people are going through behind closed doors. YOU. NEVER. KNOW.
People only know what you let them see. So if you have the opportunity to give someone hope, treat your spouse with the respect and love they deserve at all times. Leave your petty arguments at the door. You may help someone who’s going through a rough patch just by how you openly love and respect your spouse.
The struggle is worth it. Let the struggles bring you closer together, not tear you apart. Money problems? Work it out together. Overwhelmed? Take a load off together. Let your spouse help you and vice versa.
Never be too prideful to tell your spouse when you’re not okay. You need them, that’s why you married them. If you didnt need them you’d still be single, so take advantage of the support you have, and stop being so prideful!
Want to know more about me and my husband Cam? Be sure to check out our video Q&As to hear our answers to some of your questions!
Year 3
Year 2
Year 1